Saturday, 5 April 2008

Hot Air Ends Global Warming

April 5th 2008

(Arctic Circle) Scientists and Environmental Engineers throughout the world are celebrating the discovery of a previously untapped yet limitless energy source.

“We have long speculated about the potential of harnessing this resource, but it took recent political issues to highlight the massive opportunity we are missing out on” said Dr Patrick McDougal of the International Foundation for Research Into New Energy Technologies and Environmental Effects of Global Warming

Asian, European and American vehicle manufacturers have formed a secret coalition to test the efficacy of the system and devise a power-train capable of producing comparable performance to existing gasoline powered engines.

New energy sources are announced on a seemingly weekly basis, often claiming to be the ultimate solution to counter greenhouse gas emissions. Though there have been many breakthroughs, most solutions fail to deliver on the key aspect of fuel distribution. Electric vehicles require constant charging and have limited range. Hydrogen power promises to be the ideal fuel solution, but we are far from the day when we can top-up our tank at the local hydrogen station.

The beauty of the proposed approach is the near universal and limitless source of energy accessed by this new and exciting technology. A nationwide survey showed that sufficient fuel is already produced in almost every town and city. Further research showed that in fact our failure to capture and use this fuel is itself contributing significantly to CO2 buildup in the atmosphere.

The secret of the system had been carefully held under wraps until attorneys validated that all patent filings had been successfully submitted. As your intrepid reporter, I was privileged to be among the first outsiders to see the technology in action.

Essentially, at the core of the system is a heat engine, not unlike the generator systems used in today’s coal fired power stations that generate over 50% of America’s electricity and roughly 10% of the entire world’s pollution. A traditional system relies on a supply of fuel that is burned to generate heat that in turn heats up air and/or steam to power a turbine. The beauty of this new system is that it uses air that is already hot, replacing the fuel stage with a new and innovative approach.

Professor Heinz Benz of the Stuttgart Academy of Sciences in Stuttgart, Baden-Württemberg, Germany, Europe is widely credited with discovering the extent of the energy source during a visit to America in 2007. “I vas sitting un ze bar drinking a wodka ven I noticed zat many many many people ver talking about ze elections”. It seems that while he was there the temperature rose at such a rate that the air conditioning system was unable to cope and the bar got hotter and hotter until Prof B, as he’s known to his friends, had to leave.

As luck would have it, there was a local high school nearby and he arranged to use a classroom during the lunch hour. Being a real scientist he knew that lots of thinking and calculations would be required and those could only be done on a blackboard. He messed up his hair, grabbed some chalk and wrote enough equations to fill the board. Thus he was done.

Validation followed from his colleagues at Stanford University and the road to Global Warming freedom had commenced.

Early experiments to investigate methods of acquiring the hot air through the direct attachment of contraptions were unsuccessful. However, the break came when an absent minded lab technician left the acquisition machine on by mistake while he went for a cigarette break. When he returned, the system had absorbed enough hot air to power a motorbike. Eventually it was perfected into a sleek, maintenance free, wall mounted attachment capable of collecting sufficient hot air to power a small town.

The research team has since expanded to include sociologists, psychologists and loud arrogant obnoxious TV news chat show hosts after convincing experimental evidence showed that Politics was the subject that generated the most hot air.

Brought to you by:
Satellite And Telecommunications Independent Reporting Enterprises

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