Friday, 2 May 2008

Oil and Gasp Strategy for IN and NC

INDIANA - With the primary elections in North Carolina and Indiana only a few days away, US Democratic Party nominations candidates are pulling out all the stops to ensure victory.  Hillary Clinton, the wife of former US President Bill Clinton, has focused her campaign on the key issues that voters are told are important.

In an effort to appease widespread concern for struggling oil companies who face increased competitive pressure from environmentally conscious alternative fuels, Senator Clinton has joined Republican Senator John McCain in backing a solution to allow the companies to charge the same price at the pumps while making greater profits.

Mr. Gus A. Lane, chairman of the Rational Institute for Petroleum Oil and Fossil Fuels, expressed his gratitude for the endorsement by candidates from both major parties at a press conference in Houston this morning. “Republican politicians have a long tradition of understanding our desperate plight”, he said, “but Senator Clinton’s support is a welcome bonus”.

R.I.P.O.F.F. was founded in 1998 to educate the public on the importance of profits to the oil industry and to debunk the myths promulgated by fanatical activists pushing their Global Warming agenda.

According to the “McCain–Clinton Gas Vacation” plan, federal taxes on consumer gasoline will be removed temporarily in order for oil companies to receive an estimated additional profit of $30 to $70 from each vehicle driver over the course of the summer.  The re-instatement of the tax after the temporary moratorium will have the added benefit of allowing oil companies to suddenly raise the cost of fuel at the pump while placing the blame for the increase on the government.

Although a significant policy proposal, the Gas Vacation is not the only item on the agenda. Senator Clinton’s campaign has identified, through extensive analysis, that there is another equally important factor that will determine the outcome of the elections.

For over 200 years, the American public has been duped into believing that the economy, healthcare, education and security were important issues on which they should decide their vote. However, thanks to the spectacular growth of the Internet, people are far more aware of the real issues that will affect their nation and their children’s future.

Neo-Post-Freudian Psychologists and Political Sociologists have established clear and convincing evidence that your ability, thoughts, actions, beliefs and commitment are entirely determined by those around you. Concepts such as free will, intelligence, compassion and honesty are nothing more than old fashioned attempts at brainwashing by incompetent scholars.

Studies show that taxi drivers, the postman, your preschool or piano teacher, the neighbor’s cousin, a preacher, or the person that serves your coffee at Starbucks are far more important at determining your credibility as a human being than any actions you may take in your career or private life.

A press release by Spin, Spin and More, Senator Clinton’s PR firm, gave more specific details:

“We believe it is reasonable and fair that the integrity of the electoral process to determine the next leader of the free world should rest entirely on a candidate’s indirect associations, and any words they say, however irrelevant they may seem”.  “The American people are smart enough to know that a video clip on You Tube of anyone her opponent has ever met, is far more important than any attempts he might make to end the hijacking of American politics by corporate interests”.

Sources close to Senator Clinton claim she has already won the presidency and has started preparing her inaugural speech.  Interviewed last Sunday on Faux News, she described how “All that is left to determine through the remaining primaries and the general election is which math to use to guarantee my result”.

Tuesday, 15 April 2008

Politics: A Fair Game

Fair Game?

New Hope for Lawn Sufferers

(Kentucky) Agricultural psychologists at the Institute for Greener Pastures announced today a cure for mowing.

Their spokesperson Dr Eliza Ferty identified the problem; "Grass has been growing for centuries  and we are fighting a constant battle to keep our lawns tidy".

Numerous solutions that have been tried to date, including chemical sprays and mechanical cutting contraptions, address the problem only after it gets out of hand.

The beauty of the new system is that it is specifically designed to prevent the problem before it occurs. Like many of the best inventions, the solution is so simple we are left wondering why we didn't think of it sooner.

"We installed 60" flat panel monitors in our test garden showing peak time programming from a range of broadcast and cable channels. The grass got so fed up of all the advertising that it couldn't be bothered to grow".

Saturday, 12 April 2008

New Lounges for Cancelled Flights


Faster Browsing with Mozilla FireFacts

A spin-off group of the Mozilla Firefox team has developed a new browser aimed at reducing unnecessary browsing of web sites on the Internet. Aimed initially at online news sites, the new "FireFacts" browser compares the hosted content with reality.

Former Netscape programmer Simon Jennings, who has contributed key routines to the Mozilla Firefox browser explained. "We realized that a significant proportion of web traffic consisted of information nobody wanted to read, or that was so inaccurate it was laughable".

Key to its success will be a new algorithm developed to filter out pointless and baseless opinion as well as hidden agendas, boring diaries and opportunistic plagiarism. It searches its template database for matches such as "Today I did xxxxxxx", "I haven't blogged for a while as I'm so busy, but xxxxxxx", "Here are some photos I took of xxxxxx in my garden" and "It's the 3rd day of our vacation and we visited xxxxxxxx".

For news sites, the system checks the number of comment postings added by readers. If there are more than 3 comments, the article is most likely to have been written in a sensationalist style, usually based on a selective interpretation of the truth and designed to trigger mindless ranting by its readership.

In our tests of the beta version, we found that it reduced blog browsing by as much as 98% and some of the more popular news sites were reduced to just their logo.

Apple Launches iCar

Following their success in the consumer appliance market, Apple have joined forces with Japanese auto manufacturer Toyota to create a designer vehicle for the 21st century.

iCar DashboardIn an effort to improve the driving interface, the traditional steering wheel has been replaced with a circular touch pad for single finger driving convenience.

The dashboard consists of an innovative central display, also controlled by the touch-pad interface in conjunction with it's central menu button.

Features such as accelerator, brake, opening windows and doors, changing gears, turn indicators, a/c & heating controls, rev counter, speedometer, fuel gauge, GPS navigation, windscreen wipers, seat and mirror adjustments as well as access to over 98,000 songs can all be selected through a simple menu hierarchy.

At the launch, Steve Jobs announced, "People loved the interface to our portable music players. It's only natural that we would look to other devices where this interface can be applied".

The iCar features a sealed engine compartment which may cause issues down the road as wear and tear leads to maintenance requirements. Apple dismissed these fears as unwarranted and points to a similar situation with the iPod where users simply discarded the old one and bought a new one.

Critics of the new vehicle were quick to complain about the restriction that only iGas stations can be used to fill up with fuel. However, Apple argues that this gives them the opportunity to maintain a consistent quality 'fill-up' experience for their customers.

Demand for the iCar has exceeded expectations as die-hard Apple fanatics formed a 10 mile queue outside the first iCar showroom in San Francisco to catch a glimpse of the latest must-have lifestyle device.

Although not on sale until next Monday, third party companies have already jumped on the bandwagon, offering compatible add-ons such as real steering wheels, indicator levers and a full set of pedals for consumers who need more time to adjust to the new interface.  We were unable to verify claims by a mechanic in Minnesota who wished to remain anonymous, that he has developed an adapter to allow the iCar to use traditional gas stations.

Jobs, closing the launch, stated "The human-car interface has remained in the dark-ages for decades, it's time there was a better way. It's time to Think Different".

Friday, 11 April 2008

Polling Computer


Voting from Abroad

(Washington DC) In an effort to counter the escalating costs associated with holding a national election, lawmakers in Washington approved a bill to outsource the process to China.

Senator Bob Biverbrook (TX), a senior member of the Electoral Finance Committee, described how they arrived at their decision. "We looked to industry to identify key measures that have been taken to improve efficiency and found an overwhelming trend towards relocating key processes in cheap labor countries."

After receiving competitive bids from Russia, China, India and Malaysia, it was determined that China was best placed to support the democratic empowerment of individual citizens.

Speaking on the O'Really Show, the Senator was quick to defend the decision; "Although it was a difficult choice, we believe the 'novelty factor' to be a key driver in bringing the Chinese to the voting booth".

Today's Democratic Primary will be the first election to employ the new process. Preliminary results show Barak Obama ahead of Hillary Clinton by 342,277,615 votes.  Mass media pundits say it's still too close to call.

More Time for Intel

(Santa Clara, CA) Semiconductor giant Intel is to commence its "All the Time in the World" road show tour this week with a spectacular launch.

In an effort to raise programmer awareness, Intel have taken the lead in the campaign for sloppier code. As consumers buy faster and faster computers, it has become necessary to write slower applications to encourage continual upgrading.

"There are still a few die hard 'old school' programmers that believe in optimizing their code" said Pentti Um, Managing Director of Intel Finland. "While most coders realize they no longer need to try so hard, we feel it's our duty to make sure everyone has the opportunity to achieve the same standard".

18,000 are expected to pack the Santa Clara Convention Center on Friday to hear keynote speaker Steve Barmier from Microsoft talk about the extensive effort that was put into Vista to ensure it ran like a dog. He is expected to list numerous examples of important features that nobody needs as well as extol the achievement of producing an operating system that's over 1000 times slower than 20 years ago.

The road show will last 12 weeks as it tours key development centers around the world. For those unable to attend, Intel has assured us they will provide an online resource with examples of nightmarishly slow programs including full source code for the celebrated "Random Sort" algorithm.

Thursday, 10 April 2008

Alcohol Makes You Smarter

Contrary to popular belief, evidence is emerging that the consumption of alcohol increases the brain's capacity for intellectual processing.

As we drink, we become better able to communicate. When sober, our brain is saturated with Inhibitrons, a type of protein molecule that makes us feel insecure. Alcohol dissolves the Inhibitrons which are then absorbed into the bloodstream and disseminated throughout the body.

As a result, our thoughts and words become confident, we are funnier, sing better and are universally liked.

As Inhibitrons reach our extremities they cause the side effect of reduced coordination, but this is insignificant compared to how smart, bold, brave and beautiful we become.

The Babel Fish Effect

Researchers at the Monterrey Bay acquarium have discovered a new breed of goldfish that appears to have properties similar to those mythically attributed to the Babel Fish.

A 'Goldfishius Babilus' as it has been named, possesses a unique ability to translate voice signals from any language.

Early experiments in interpreting meow sounds from domestic cats have produced phrases such as "I'm hungry", "Where's my food", "Isn't it time you fed me" and "You're sitting in MY chair".

Following their early success, the team have been looking into the process of translating English into foreign languages.

Latest results on humans show great promise in overcoming the language barrier that prevents foreigners from understanding English properly.

Investigating the effect under lab conditions, they determined that the primary mechanism involved is the fish's ability to amplify the incoming sound by a factor of 2 to 4 times.

In a press conference earlier today, Dr. Simon Rutter, Professor of Fishy Science remarked "It seems that tourists had it right all along. Instead of learning a new language, all you have to do to be understood is speak English louder".

Electricity Gone In 100 Years

In 1962, Daniel Wolfson, a physics professor at King George's College, Cambridge published a paper on the risks of running out of electricity due to private and industrial consumption.

His theory states that there are a finite number of electrons on earth and these are being consumed at an increasing rate. They are burned away in light bulbs, motors and all manner of appliances and machinery.

At the time, his article was considered alarmist and was ultimately debunked by his colleague, Professor Charles Finney who showed that our electron supply was continually replenished through cosmic radiation from space.

Since then, little attention has been paid to the matter. Until now.

With Global Warming high on today's agenda, interest in Professor Wolfson's theory has been rekindled. Recent studies have shown that the same "CO2 Greenhouse Layer" that is warming our planet, is also reducing our exposure to cosmic rays. As a result, our natural resource of electrons is depleting.

It is estimated that at present consumption levels, the number of electrons on earth will fall to critical levels within 100 years.

Furthermore, recent efforts to reduce CO2 emissions are exacerbating the problem. Wind generators suck electrons out of the air we breathe and push them down the wires to our homes. Wave and Tidal Generators deplete the vast electron supplies in our oceans. Solar panels soak up what little cosmic radiation we still receive, smothering the earth beneath them.

Electric and hybrid vehicles use vast amounts of electricity which could be saved for lighting our homes and powering critical life support machines in hospitals.

Environmental scientists are quick to push the Hydrogen agenda. "Fuel Cells", "Clean CO2 Free Energy", "Abundant Resource" are all mantras for these radicals. What they don't tell you is that Hydrogen only has one electron.

Electrons are the smallest particles in our universe. Lets not stand idly by while their numbers are being decimated. The Green Movement has gone too far. The time to act is NOW. We must preserve electrons for our children.

Monday, 7 April 2008

How To Get Rich NOW!!!


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A Global Exclusive brought to you by
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Copyright © 2008 - S.A.T.I R.E. All Rights Reserved

Sunday, 6 April 2008

Bikes to Replace Cars by 2013

(New York) Ford, General Motors and Toyota are among the auto manufacturers who recently buckled under the pressure of the green movement and have promised to replace all cars with bicycles within 5 years.

“We believe in preserving the environment for posterity and are leading the global fight against warming” said Heather Baum, spokesperson for the Association of Important Carmakers.

Speaking at a press conference held at the plush offices of Billingsgate and Smythe, a top Madison Avenue Advertising firm, Ms. Baum explained that “senior executives from each company had jointly agreed a strategy for change following increasingly bad coverage of cars in the press”.

Patrick J. Walker, head of BS presented a slick brochure to simplify and explain the details of this remarkable transformation. According to the brochure, a report commissioned to look at a range of mechanical forms of transportation identified bicycles as the form most acceptable to environmental activists.

“Following concerns over the lack of stability of a two wheeled contraption, we chose instead to focus on four wheels as a standard and have called it a 'BicycleDuo ™'”; exclaiming “think of it as getting two bicycles for the price of one!”

Rather than abandon years of passenger safety advances, a decision was taken to preserve airbags, side impact bars and steel body panels with tempered glass to protect from flying stone chippings. “We believe the added weight is worth the safety of our children” he added.

The new BicycleDuo™ will be available for sale within the next three months, and will include convenient optional extras such as a 4.6 liter 24 valve V8 gasoline engine for those who find pedaling a 1.5 ton machine inconvenient after a hard days work.

My 3 year old daughter, seeing the photo on the brochure cover proudly exclaimed “Car, Mommy, Car!” How cute! She clearly has a lot to learn.

A Global Exclusive brought to you by
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Copyright © 2008 - S.A.T.I R.E. All Rights Reserved

Hillary Leads Obama by 33%

(Washington) The latest Gallop poll shows Hillary taking a substantial lead over Obama in the campaign for the 2008 Democratic Party nomination.

Dick Chung, one of Gallop’s brightest Senior Operational Analysts explained “To save costs, we only interviewed three people. In this case, two of them preferred Hillary”.

When asked about the validity of the poll results he responded, “We realize that the media and general public take no notice of error margins when reading poll figures, so we figured what the heck, let’s save money. Who cares about the error?”

At their AGM, Bill Whaleburger, Chairman and CEO of Gallop Group Holdings Inc, said “What is important to you, our shareholders, is that our main polling figures grab headlines”. “Our new approach has cut our variable costs by 68%, increased our profits by 23% and our media coverage by 72%". (Note: standard investment disclosures apply).

After the applause died down he continued “As a board, we take our duty to our shareholders seriously.” concluding “Is it really our fault that the general public loves sensation and is ignorant of basic statistics?”

I caught up with him after his speech, where he confided “We tried polling just one or two people, but we know from experience that the public trusts our polling results better if the figures don’t end in a zero. I mean, if you heard 50% or 100%, you might think they were made up. But 33% sounds like a lot of clever math went into it.”

Another Global Exclusive brought to you by
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Copyright © 2008 - S.A.T.I R.E. All Rights Reserved

Saturday, 5 April 2008

English Officially Declared a Foreign Language

(Oxford) A recent study carried out by English scholars at Oxford University in Oxford, England has concluded that ‘proper’ English is now a minority language and recommend it be taught alongside French, German and Spanish as a foreign language.

Researchers analyzed the content of over 12,000,000 internet forum postings from traditionally English speaking countries and found that after proper nouns were taken into account, less than 12% of them were composed entirely of words found in a dictionary.

The figures were even lower when sentence structure was taken into account. It is estimated that the incidence of grammatical correctness could be below 3%.

The final damning nail in the coffin was the discovery that only 0.02% or 1 in 5000 of the submissions made any sense at all. An effort to identify relevance was abandoned following a failure to obtain a statistically significant sample.

On the bright side, it was observed that a substantial proportion of the youth aged between 5 and 18 were able to communicate effectively in an completely new language composed only of acronyms and smileys.

As a result of this analysis, the Oxford English Dictionary will be archived for historical purposes and replaced with a new:

()}{/=()12) 1337 Edition

Academics who had dedicated their careers to preserving the dying art of English were :-( . However, after a few commiserating beers at the local pub, they were found ROFL hysterically.

Another Global Exclusive brought to you by Satellite And Telecommunications Independent Reporting Enterprises

Copyright © 2008 - S.A.T.I R.E. All Rights Reserved

Cellphone Accidentally Wins Turner Prize

(London) Nadir Meshti, 47, a photocopier ink saleswoman from Battersea, London, England awoke two weeks ago to the sound of the doorbell. The early post included a registered letter congratulating her for winning the 2008 Turner Prize.

The prize, organized by the Tate Gallery, is Britain’s top visual art award given annually to an artist chosen by a panel of pompous art connoisseur judges, usually for ‘abstract or conceptual art’. Past winners include Damien Hirst for putting half a cow in a glass case. Other memorable winning pieces such as an unmade bed and a pile of bricks have led many mothers to believe their child prodigies have turned the house into priceless works of art.

This year, however, was different. Nadir had no idea she had even entered the competition. “I was, um, surprised” she said. Staring at the £40,000 checque in disbelief, she decided to visit the Tate Modern museum to see her exhibit.

She entered a large brightly lit white-walled room containing seventeen large canvases arranged in hap-hazard fashion on the walls, floor and ceiling. Each canvas appeared to have a blurred dimly lit image of abstract shapes. On closer inspection she noticed that one canvas in particular showed an outline of an earring similar to one she had lost months ago.

To celebrate the significance of the exhibit, the Tate had prepared a leaflet explaining the history and meaning of the art. According to the text, rumours had abounded for many years about a reclusive artist and photographer alleged to have studied under Picasso who had dedicated his life to abstract photography. “These prints”, it continued, “are the only known examples of his work”, concluding with “Name – Unknown”.

In order to respect the privacy of the artist, the judges had appointed a detective to find him with strict instructions not to reveal his identity to anyone. Following the trail, the detective interviewed the interior designer appointed to arrange the canvasses. She told him where the photos had been printed. They eventually admitted having sent the wrong photos to the Tate, explaining that a mix-up had occurred during a shift-change whereby a series of fashion photographs intended for the history of fashion exhibition had got confused with some photos for a Mrs Annie Winterbottom whose cellphone was receiving prank MMS images that she wanted printed to send to the police.

The Tate, on receiving photos that were clearly not about fashion, assumed they had been addressed to the wrong department and passed them on to the Turner Prize Judges.

The detective tracked down Mrs Winterbottom, identified the number of the cellphone that had sent the ‘prank’ messages and sent the checque to the cellphone company (Vodafone) to forward to its subscriber (Nadir) as they refused to give him a name or address.

It turns out that while Nadir was out shopping, her phone had accidentally sent 31 images of the inside of her handbag to a random number dialed by her lipstick.

Unable to sleep through feeling guilty about receiving the prize money, Nadir returned the checque anonymously with a thank you note.

Over 650,000 people have gazed in awe at the prize winning exhibit and no-one knows if the mythical artist really exists.

“I may not have the £40,000” she said, “but at least I found my earring”.

Another Global Exclusive brought to you by Satellite And Telecommunications Independent Reporting Enterprises

Copyright © 2008 - S.A.T.I R.E. All Rights Reserved

Hot Air Ends Global Warming

April 5th 2008

(Arctic Circle) Scientists and Environmental Engineers throughout the world are celebrating the discovery of a previously untapped yet limitless energy source.

“We have long speculated about the potential of harnessing this resource, but it took recent political issues to highlight the massive opportunity we are missing out on” said Dr Patrick McDougal of the International Foundation for Research Into New Energy Technologies and Environmental Effects of Global Warming

Asian, European and American vehicle manufacturers have formed a secret coalition to test the efficacy of the system and devise a power-train capable of producing comparable performance to existing gasoline powered engines.

New energy sources are announced on a seemingly weekly basis, often claiming to be the ultimate solution to counter greenhouse gas emissions. Though there have been many breakthroughs, most solutions fail to deliver on the key aspect of fuel distribution. Electric vehicles require constant charging and have limited range. Hydrogen power promises to be the ideal fuel solution, but we are far from the day when we can top-up our tank at the local hydrogen station.

The beauty of the proposed approach is the near universal and limitless source of energy accessed by this new and exciting technology. A nationwide survey showed that sufficient fuel is already produced in almost every town and city. Further research showed that in fact our failure to capture and use this fuel is itself contributing significantly to CO2 buildup in the atmosphere.

The secret of the system had been carefully held under wraps until attorneys validated that all patent filings had been successfully submitted. As your intrepid reporter, I was privileged to be among the first outsiders to see the technology in action.

Essentially, at the core of the system is a heat engine, not unlike the generator systems used in today’s coal fired power stations that generate over 50% of America’s electricity and roughly 10% of the entire world’s pollution. A traditional system relies on a supply of fuel that is burned to generate heat that in turn heats up air and/or steam to power a turbine. The beauty of this new system is that it uses air that is already hot, replacing the fuel stage with a new and innovative approach.

Professor Heinz Benz of the Stuttgart Academy of Sciences in Stuttgart, Baden-Württemberg, Germany, Europe is widely credited with discovering the extent of the energy source during a visit to America in 2007. “I vas sitting un ze bar drinking a wodka ven I noticed zat many many many people ver talking about ze elections”. It seems that while he was there the temperature rose at such a rate that the air conditioning system was unable to cope and the bar got hotter and hotter until Prof B, as he’s known to his friends, had to leave.

As luck would have it, there was a local high school nearby and he arranged to use a classroom during the lunch hour. Being a real scientist he knew that lots of thinking and calculations would be required and those could only be done on a blackboard. He messed up his hair, grabbed some chalk and wrote enough equations to fill the board. Thus he was done.

Validation followed from his colleagues at Stanford University and the road to Global Warming freedom had commenced.

Early experiments to investigate methods of acquiring the hot air through the direct attachment of contraptions were unsuccessful. However, the break came when an absent minded lab technician left the acquisition machine on by mistake while he went for a cigarette break. When he returned, the system had absorbed enough hot air to power a motorbike. Eventually it was perfected into a sleek, maintenance free, wall mounted attachment capable of collecting sufficient hot air to power a small town.

The research team has since expanded to include sociologists, psychologists and loud arrogant obnoxious TV news chat show hosts after convincing experimental evidence showed that Politics was the subject that generated the most hot air.

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Blackwater To Fight Chinese

April 4th 2008

(Washington DC) Private security firm 'Blackwater Inc' has been given the go ahead to remain in Iraq for “at least another 100 years”.

Blackwater rose to infamy by employing mercenary ex-US army soldiers who want to be in Iraq so they can shoot for real but prefer to be paid better, be better armed, have bullet proof armor that works and not have to deal with the consequences if they accidentally massacre random civilians.

Employed primarily to take over simple army jobs that any regular soldier could do, the US Security company announced soaring profits and a rosy future as it sees no end to the chaos in this war torn area.

Politicians whose hidden off-shore trusts own significant stock in the company have waived off accusations of tax avoidance as mere 'mis-filings' and expect the hoo-hah to die down over the coming weeks. "It is unlikely that any prosecutions will be successful" said the judge chosen to evaluate the case; they are providing a valuable service by supporting our government leaders. He refused to name his own off-shore corporation, but hinted that it began with 'S', "you'll have to guess the rest", he added with a wink.

One of the mercenaries who refused to be identified (Chuck "Smoke-This" Balboa) told us that life in Iraq is not all as happy and dandy as you may think. "For one, we don't all have cabinets big enough to hold our range of automatic weapons, knives and funky electronic headgear, some of it just has to sit on the floor of our hotel suites". He added, "We don't even get all the US cable TV channels, though I guess unlimited free ammo is a definite perk".

It is widely believed that Blackwater Inc is ideally positioned to take advantage of a massive new market as politicians keen to bring back the official armies in Iraq see that the perfect solution is to outsource it. "It's a perfect win-win all round" said one senator. "Our armies return so the American people are happy, the soldiers who decide (of their own choice) to go back get paid more and have a wider choice of weaponry and the politicians get a massive payout". "We are not even bound by army regulations, so we can do whatever we like".

Our man-on-the-spot Iraq correspondent reported seeing a hive of construction activity near Abu-Ghraib as a new luxury all-suite hotel is being built next door so the 'independent contractors' don't have to walk too far from work to their jacuzzis.

Blackwater's main competition comes from China, where a commercial venture between the Chinese Government and itself is planning a new modular plug-and-play for-hire private army solution system. They are believed to be about to launch with a range of product options ranging from Platoons to Battalions and have hinted at bespoke Brigade and Division solutions becoming available some time next year. It is widely believed that '10-Man Squad' units will be available for government 'download' on a 30-day trial basis by this summer. A chinese spokesperson explained that since China has over 1,000,000,000,000,000 soldiers, there is plenty to go around.

Astute observers will have wondered what happens when opposing governments hire from the same company. Apparently there is a clause whereby if the soldiers in a confrontation are from the same Chinese subsidiary; their weapons automatically deliver paint pellets. Environmentalists have been quick to protest at the massive expected quantity of split plastic balls that will be left on the battlefield. In response, the United Nations has called for Bio-degradable paintballs to be used in all future wars between mercenaries employed by the same corporation from 2015.

Wall street analysts looking to the future effects on Blackwater stock seem unperturbed. By 2015, it is widely expected that the Chinese will own most of the American Banking System as they will be the only ones with Dollars for the ATM machines.

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How to be a Troll - LESSON 1


2) Tipe whith bad speling and gramar even which isnt hi skool levil good enuf. Thei are STUPID so yu shuld be aswel also to. Of corse, if yu is alredy ileteret then it wil been ezier. If yu hav ileteret frends tel them too rite to so yu fil up the bords wif yur wizdumb kwiker.

3) If you are amongst the few who have to put any effort into (2) you may even be able to read the article or the other posts. In which case, you can throw in a sentence in there to fool them into thinking you care about the topic being discussed. Remember that reading just part of an article or a post is usually enough to find something to whine about.

4) If you can't read, don't worry, reading other posts or the article is not essential. People are more than happy to spend their valuable time reading anything you want to vent about.

5) Use inflammatory language (like rude words and personal name calling). Most people like verbal abuse and it makes you appear so much more intelligent and capable of getting your point across. You will rapidly gain esteem from other posters.

6) Write about stuff that has no relevance to the article being discussed. Even if you have to start with something that might seem important, be sure to add some meaningless or irrelevant statement in there somewhere. People get distracted easily, and they will soon forget the article they are discussing and focus instead on applauding the vital point you are making.

7) If you are rEALLY aNGRY!!!!! then it's cool to type badlye asit shows you hasd to typ quickly to gety our point across assoon as possibler.

8) punctuation and appropriate use of capital letters are unnecessary and just makes you have to press more than one key at a time to use the shiftkey this is especially true if you want to type a long comment as you dont want to waste time with all those pointless language rules because the more you type then the less time you have to write long sentences that keep peoples riveted attention better sometimes though a short punchy statement can be used to warm up the reader for the intensive reading ahead

9) The exception to rule (7) is the use of exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!! Make sure!!! you liberally sprinkle them all over your post as it !!!emphasizes!!! the importance!! and !!!!!!urgency!!!!! of your point.

10) Your kyboard is your voic and must b consrvd for th important task of bing undrstood. Although if you do war out som of th kys on your kyboard dont worry th contnt of your post will still b clar for vryon to rad

11) Say the same things over and over again.

12) Say the same things over and over again.

13) Say the same things over and over again. The more you say it, the truer it becomes

14) Say the same things over and over again. It saves you having to think too much, which is important as you have a long day of trolling ahead and you need to pace yourself.

15) If people seem like they are having a joke at your expense, don't worry. They are just bitter that they can't express themselves as effectively as you can. If the joke doesn't go over your head, feel free to get upset and rant even more. They will realize the error of their ways and appreciate the value you bring to their lives.

16) It is important that you end your post with a rant. Suggestions include: disparaging other commentators, personal attacks and/or just being plain rude. This is also another great opportunity to USE CAPITAL LETTERS so you leave their ears ringing. If you are being paid to troll, it is essential to put your sponsor's slogan (or at least the one you are paid to write as) at the end of your message. For example !!!!VOTE FOR JOHN SMITH!!!!

17) Learn from others. There are a vast number of great examples of troll posts on most notice boards. If you find something you think is clever on another post, plagiarize (I know it's a big word, but it just means 'Copy whatever you want and use or modify as you wish as if you wrote it first'). No-one will notice you didn't think it up yourself, even if some of the words they used were spelled correctly.

18) If by chance you should get banned, just sign up for a new email address and create your posts as if you were a completely different person. Even if you continue to post the same stuff as before, no-one will notice as all they look at is the name you have chosen. This has the added benefit that they will be easily fooled into thinking you were right all along as this new person seems to agree remarkably well with your old posts.

19) Broaden your horizons. There are so many sites you can post on nowadays that you have a fantastic opportunity to educate thousands of people with your wisdom. You are on a crusade and it is your duty as an upstanding citizen of the internet to make sure as many of them as possible get to understand the depth and breadth of your intellect.

20) Perseverance (it means keep at it). I am sure there can't be anything more important going on in your life than spending countless hours telling other people what they should think. It is your duty to inform them that they are wrong and only you are right.

21) Most important of all, practice, practice, practice. Remember your motto is "Quantity Over Quality". It's not what you post, but how much space and bandwidth you consume. Even if you find it hard to form a coherent statement, if you post a lot, people will think you are smart.



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