Saturday, 5 April 2008

Blackwater To Fight Chinese

April 4th 2008

(Washington DC) Private security firm 'Blackwater Inc' has been given the go ahead to remain in Iraq for “at least another 100 years”.

Blackwater rose to infamy by employing mercenary ex-US army soldiers who want to be in Iraq so they can shoot for real but prefer to be paid better, be better armed, have bullet proof armor that works and not have to deal with the consequences if they accidentally massacre random civilians.

Employed primarily to take over simple army jobs that any regular soldier could do, the US Security company announced soaring profits and a rosy future as it sees no end to the chaos in this war torn area.

Politicians whose hidden off-shore trusts own significant stock in the company have waived off accusations of tax avoidance as mere 'mis-filings' and expect the hoo-hah to die down over the coming weeks. "It is unlikely that any prosecutions will be successful" said the judge chosen to evaluate the case; they are providing a valuable service by supporting our government leaders. He refused to name his own off-shore corporation, but hinted that it began with 'S', "you'll have to guess the rest", he added with a wink.

One of the mercenaries who refused to be identified (Chuck "Smoke-This" Balboa) told us that life in Iraq is not all as happy and dandy as you may think. "For one, we don't all have cabinets big enough to hold our range of automatic weapons, knives and funky electronic headgear, some of it just has to sit on the floor of our hotel suites". He added, "We don't even get all the US cable TV channels, though I guess unlimited free ammo is a definite perk".

It is widely believed that Blackwater Inc is ideally positioned to take advantage of a massive new market as politicians keen to bring back the official armies in Iraq see that the perfect solution is to outsource it. "It's a perfect win-win all round" said one senator. "Our armies return so the American people are happy, the soldiers who decide (of their own choice) to go back get paid more and have a wider choice of weaponry and the politicians get a massive payout". "We are not even bound by army regulations, so we can do whatever we like".

Our man-on-the-spot Iraq correspondent reported seeing a hive of construction activity near Abu-Ghraib as a new luxury all-suite hotel is being built next door so the 'independent contractors' don't have to walk too far from work to their jacuzzis.

Blackwater's main competition comes from China, where a commercial venture between the Chinese Government and itself is planning a new modular plug-and-play for-hire private army solution system. They are believed to be about to launch with a range of product options ranging from Platoons to Battalions and have hinted at bespoke Brigade and Division solutions becoming available some time next year. It is widely believed that '10-Man Squad' units will be available for government 'download' on a 30-day trial basis by this summer. A chinese spokesperson explained that since China has over 1,000,000,000,000,000 soldiers, there is plenty to go around.

Astute observers will have wondered what happens when opposing governments hire from the same company. Apparently there is a clause whereby if the soldiers in a confrontation are from the same Chinese subsidiary; their weapons automatically deliver paint pellets. Environmentalists have been quick to protest at the massive expected quantity of split plastic balls that will be left on the battlefield. In response, the United Nations has called for Bio-degradable paintballs to be used in all future wars between mercenaries employed by the same corporation from 2015.

Wall street analysts looking to the future effects on Blackwater stock seem unperturbed. By 2015, it is widely expected that the Chinese will own most of the American Banking System as they will be the only ones with Dollars for the ATM machines.

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