INDIANA - With the primary elections in North Carolina and Indiana only a few days away, US Democratic Party nominations candidates are pulling out all the stops to ensure victory. Hillary Clinton, the wife of former US President Bill Clinton, has focused her campaign on the key issues that voters are told are important.
In an effort to appease widespread concern for struggling oil companies who face increased competitive pressure from environmentally conscious alternative fuels, Senator Clinton has joined Republican Senator John McCain in backing a solution to allow the companies to charge the same price at the pumps while making greater profits.
Mr. Gus A. Lane, chairman of the Rational Institute for Petroleum Oil and Fossil Fuels, expressed his gratitude for the endorsement by candidates from both major parties at a press conference in Houston this morning. “Republican politicians have a long tradition of understanding our desperate plight”, he said, “but Senator Clinton’s support is a welcome bonus”.
R.I.P.O.F.F. was founded in 1998 to educate the public on the importance of profits to the oil industry and to debunk the myths promulgated by fanatical activists pushing their Global Warming agenda.
According to the “McCain–Clinton Gas Vacation” plan, federal taxes on consumer gasoline will be removed temporarily in order for oil companies to receive an estimated additional profit of $30 to $70 from each vehicle driver over the course of the summer. The re-instatement of the tax after the temporary moratorium will have the added benefit of allowing oil companies to suddenly raise the cost of fuel at the pump while placing the blame for the increase on the government.
Although a significant policy proposal, the Gas Vacation is not the only item on the agenda. Senator Clinton’s campaign has identified, through extensive analysis, that there is another equally important factor that will determine the outcome of the elections.
For over 200 years, the American public has been duped into believing that the economy, healthcare, education and security were important issues on which they should decide their vote. However, thanks to the spectacular growth of the Internet, people are far more aware of the real issues that will affect their nation and their children’s future.
Neo-Post-Freudian Psychologists and Political Sociologists have established clear and convincing evidence that your ability, thoughts, actions, beliefs and commitment are entirely determined by those around you. Concepts such as free will, intelligence, compassion and honesty are nothing more than old fashioned attempts at brainwashing by incompetent scholars.
Studies show that taxi drivers, the postman, your preschool or piano teacher, the neighbor’s cousin, a preacher, or the person that serves your coffee at Starbucks are far more important at determining your credibility as a human being than any actions you may take in your career or private life.
A press release by Spin, Spin and More, Senator Clinton’s PR firm, gave more specific details:
“We believe it is reasonable and fair that the integrity of the electoral process to determine the next leader of the free world should rest entirely on a candidate’s indirect associations, and any words they say, however irrelevant they may seem”. “The American people are smart enough to know that a video clip on You Tube of anyone her opponent has ever met, is far more important than any attempts he might make to end the hijacking of American politics by corporate interests”.
Sources close to Senator Clinton claim she has already won the presidency and has started preparing her inaugural speech. Interviewed last Sunday on Faux News, she described how “All that is left to determine through the remaining primaries and the general election is which math to use to guarantee my result”.